Or not in this case. Last night I only got around two hours sleep, and didn’t get to sleep until 7.30, waking again just before 9.30. As a result I’m feeling pretty groggy along with the previously mentioned pain.

Of course having problems sleeping is not limited to people suffering from Lymphoma, it affects many people with serious illness.  I’m not referring to the side effects of medication, for example I took a steroid called Prednisolone as part of my previous chemotherapy treatment, which makes it difficult to sleep. I’m talking about the mental issues suffering from a serious illness causes, such as stress, worry and anxiety.

I probably don’t worry about as many things as you might think. I’m sure a lot of people would think my main worry would be undergoing treatment, but I’m pretty hardened to these things buy now. I’ll go through whatever treatment it takes to get better regardless of how bad the side effects are. What I do worry about, and this is an obvious one, is what if the treatment doesn’t work. The more unsuccessful treatments you have, the less options there are and the more serious things get. There are no two ways about it, being close to staring death in the face is very worrying and scary as hell. This is magnified further when you have received one course of treatment only to find out things have gotten worse.
I also worry a lot about my wife and how well she is coping. Living with me is not easy right now, however she is made of seriously tough stuff and is always there with, more often than not, a smile on her face. I worry about her, but at the same time couldn’t cope with this without her. I also worry a lot about how she will cope if the treatment doesn’t do what it’s supposed to.
And then there is also my folks and brother. My Dad is also very unwell and is currently in hospital so I am worried for his health. My Mum who is having to cope with her husband and son being seriously ill, and similarly my brother who has a seriously ill Dad and brother.
There isn’t really too much you can do about this kind of worry in my experience, you just have to try and focus on getting better and being positive so that I am not a total pain in the ass to live with which will hopefully go some way to helping others cope.

Anxiety is probably what I suffer from the most. I often get agitated, restless, irritable, and sweat a lot in bed. This is mainly because of the unknowns and waiting for results to various tests. As with anyone in a similar position I want the results of tests yesterday and I want to know what’s coming in the future.

I think a lot about the worst possible outcome of this, which is a pretty natural thing to do I guess. I try and stay positive and focus on getting better, but at this is stage it’s pretty damn difficult. And this causes stress, worry and anxiety all in one. On top of all the other problems I have had in the past it’s sometimes difficult to get my head around the fact that I have cancer. Sometimes it’s very hard for even me to believe that someone can have so many different life threatening problems before they’re 30.

At the end of the day you just have to try and accept that these mental issues are normal and just let them be there and learn to live with them so you can focus solely on getting better.

Keeping your mind busy is one thing I have found that helps, and with that in mind I’m off to watch the F1 European Grand Prix


4 responses to “Sleeping

  • Big Mac

    Hey Allie.
    I really admire the fact that you are able to share your feelings with us and hope that being able to offload some of your thoughts will help in some small way !
    I’m sure it can’t be easy trying to “just get on with it” as just stopping your mind working overtime must be a task in itself!!!!
    You have your lovely wife Susan ,a loving family ,and friends all willing you to get better ….so hang on in there.xx

    • Al (Foo)

      Thanks. it’s kind of therapeutic in a way, but also putting that kind off stuff on it incase someone with a similar illness comes across it, and hopefully it might be of some help or reassurance to them

  • Cynthia and Chris

    Hi Ali, your Grandad sent us your link and we would just like you to know that your relatives in the South of England are all rooting for you and send our love and best wishes to you.

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